With an enormous hunger for rest and stillness —always a signal that something big, if as yet unknowable, is shifting deep within me —

I surrender guiltlessly into a month of profound and absolute hibernation.

The full-grown oranges in the orchard have begun their yearly turning from green to the gold that comes before they actually start becoming orange. It always seems that the trees are dressing for the holidays: presaging the return of the light that begins at Solstice.

At last it’s getting cold enough to build fires in the evenings. And, lately, even during the days. The little wood stove that sits dormant so much of the year becomes a significant and lively presence in my studio. I sit (or lie about) entranced with my window into the magical, mesmerizing realm of flame and fire.  Ms. Pretty, my little heat-slut of a kitty, hangs out as close to the fire (or any space heater) as she can get without setting herself on fire.

I seem to be deeply into a hibernation cycle this whole past month. It started in mid-November with my annual 10-day birthday retreat. I entered the silence and solitude, as always, without plan or agenda. My intention, as always, just to come to the time empty and as available as I can be to where the energy/Spirit/my deep Self wants to take me.

Where the energy took me this time was into incredibly profound resting!  I slept prodigiously long hours. I lazily dawdled my way through my daily “ablutions,” my Reiki, Yoga and ceremonious cup of Chai in the meditation garden. I took many voluptuous little naps between these various “exertions.” And, between naps, I regularly disappeared into the worlds of several delectable novels that I’d laid in from the library. 

I rarely managed to get out of the house for hikes/walks before dark. So, I mostly wandered to sit by my favorite creeks by moon- and star-light, watching as the moon waxed to full and then began to wane. I got out into the mountains only once or twice. Wandering in the late-night/early-morning darkness and stillness seems to be what my whole being yearns for this season. My otherwise low energy seems to rise a bit in the dark hours. (But not much!)

My lethargy has been so extremely exaggerated, it occurred to me to wonder if I might be “getting sick.” But, there were no “symptoms.” Only this intense tiredness into which I seem enfolded. There seems “no visible reason” to be so exhausted. I’ve had 5-or 6-day long time-outs each month since April to balance the unusual intensity of my time-in’s this year. Yet, I continue feeling utterly wiped out! 

I’ve learned over the years of my inward journeying to trust that this kind of bone-deep weariness-without-identifiable-cause is most often a signal that something really big is moving inside of me. Without a clue about content, I know I can be sure that I’m in a major internal transition, that something deep within is being transformed. 

I no longer resist the tiredness as once I might have (“There is really nothing to be so tired about! Just get it together!”). Instead, I listen to the message from my body. I move into hibernation mode. I know that this exhaustion will eventually have run its unpredictable course; that my energy level will at some point shift upward. 

I’ve also learned that I don’t always get to know what the shift, the transition or the transformation is all about.  I used to try to “figure it out.” Having permission to embrace this exhaustion meant having to have some context for it. I’d spend time examining and exploring possible clues as to what might be going on in my less-than-conscious self. 

As I’ve continued in my unfolding, I seem to grow less and less inclined to “worry over” the significance or meaning or root of the process. More, I’m able just to notice, acknowledge and witness what’s happening on the conscious level: that I seem enormously hungry for rest, stillness and even more timelessness than I usually arrange for. I give myself what I am needing without having any reason for it other than that I’m clearly needing it.

It intrigues me that in this time of such holiday-season hectic-ness, I am needing to move even more slowly than usual!  I find I’m more incredibly grateful than ever for the long-standing and clear agreements I have with friends and family to forego exchanging gifts of “things.”

I love it that, well after the holiday hullabaloo is past, what we do give to each other is special time together: a hike, a celebratory lunch/dinner to honor our shared Scorpio birthdays or to honor the passing of another year of treasured sharing.

And, I love that once again, for the nineteenth year in a row (!) yet another Solstice-New Year card has birthed itself through me. The words and the drawing came to me all-of-a-piece as I woke from one of my evening naps mid-way through my 10-day retreat. I am filled with gratitude for this never-expected yet repeatedly arriving blessing of grace from Spirit!

The words of the Surrendering Woman Note Card/Poster Card speak to finding our way to be with the intense overwhelming awfulness that is going on out in our larger world.  And, they speak as well to finding our way to be with the overwhelming ness of the enormous challenges and changes so many of us have been going through during this whole year:

Surrendering Woman

Our world, life swirling

Turbulent, out of control

At the edge of the abyss.

Emotional white water

Overwhelm:

Feeling helpless,

Powerless, anguished

Awash in fearful frustration,

Despair.

No resistance possible.

Breathing deeply,

Yielding to the vortex

Howling in rage, terror, grief.

Surrender takes us deeper:

Through the center

To our center.

In exhausted stillness

Knowing is reborn,

Direction revealed.

In the turbulent times

Try living

In the thinnest slice of now

That you can define.

And, remember

To practice being

Extravagantly gentle

With your very

Precious self.

My heart is full of prayers for gentleness, for peace, for healing for ourselves and for our planet. I ask Spirit to bless us all with hope and vision and belief in limitless possibility. Just as the sun’s light begins to return after the greatest darkness at Solstice, so too may the light of caring, kind, compassionate reason return after this dark night of the soul through which we are living.

Originally published December 2002