Luxuriating in my newly pain-free body, I continue the practice that is so central to my life and well-being:
coming to each moment without agendas, expectations, plans–with an attitude of "not-wanting."
I am deliriously luxuriating in a pain-free body this month! The release in my sacroiliac has sustained and I am moving blissfully in this newly liberated body. After such a long siege of seemingly intractable discomfort the month before, I find that I am now–in almost every moment–exquisitely aware of and extravagantly grateful for the ease of my movement.
It’s been a gentle, quiet, sweet, uneventful time through the month of October. The seedling greens that I planted last month are flourishing, providing delectable piquant salads for my dinners. Alas, the snails have devoured all the delicate sproutings from the squash and beet seeds that I planted at the same time. Before I replant with new seeds, I’m seriously engaged in a snail relocation project. Out many nights with flashlight between my teeth and bucket to hand, gathering enormous populations of snails. In the mornings, I make a daylight pass to gather the tiny baby snails I’ve missed the night before. There have been many trips to the far end of the orchard! How prolific these little creatures seem to be.
The words for this year’s Solstice/New Year’s card came unbidden, all at once last May–the earliest ever in the 19 years that Spirit has been bringing me words and images for these cards. In a couple of Spirit inspired re-visitings since May, the poem has gotten tweaked a little. Then, this past month, the image has been emerging–or, more accurately, been trying to emerge–from mind’s eye to pen-on-paper.
The process of these images birthing themselves always fascinates me. Out of nowhere, as I pass my desk, I’ll get an impulse to open my journal and doodle with what’s suddenly there in my mind’s eye. Sometimes the translation is almost immediately accurate. Other times, like with this newest figure, the process feels like a bad cell phone connection: gaps and static in the transmission! Some sketches have the head position accurately but nothing else seems right. In others the arms or legs match the vision but nothing else seems to. I doodle only a short while each time, trusting that the brief visit to the translation process is enough for the moment. That the brief attempts, if I don’t push or worry them unduly, will help move me along to what’s needing to come through. Almost as though the very mis-translations themselves are essential to improving the quality of a later more clear transmission.
One morning last week, on the way to my daily ablutions, I stopped at my desk and finally “got it” in two quick tries. She’s just delightful! For several days I kept going back to visit and enjoy her energy. Now the new cards have been printed and made available for people to order even before I get to use them myself:
Not-Wanting
If we were to come to each moment,
to each other, always
not-wanting/not feeling wanted-from
What magic could happen here
in this so very between place.
Opening to the biggest space
of what wants to come through us
Opening to the deepest yearning–
the unformed energy, the “only tending.”
Choosing not to focus narrowly.
Choosing not to seek something particular.
Choosing not to “go looking” for anything.
Floating, drifting
in not-wanting/not feeling wanted-from,
Still,
available,
ready to be moved
by Spirit and Soul.
What I realize as I write this is that the message of the card and the process of its emergence are totally congruent. And, both reflect the practice that has become so central to my life and well being. My days are more and more filled with “not-wanting.” Coming to each moment available for what wants to happen in or through me in just that moment. Less and less do I have particular wishes or expectations or plans for the moments. More and more I find myself open and curious, ready to be surprised by where I wind up.
Though I may not come to my day with an agenda, sometimes what comes to happen or where I get led in the course of it may make me feel crabby or sad or out-of-sorts. Yet, when that ‘s how I feel, it’s about the way the moment strikes me in the moment. Not because what’s happening is at odds with some want or expectation I brought with me to that moment.
The enormous amounts of unstructured (sometimes also unplugged) time and the simplicity I’ve chosen in my life seem to both teach me this surrender and give me cause to trust in the process. Things that need doing in a timely fashion seem always to present themselves for doing before they’re “due.” It all continually amazes, entertains and delights me! (Except of course those times when it makes me cranky!)
Over the past several days it’s played out in late afternoon “fizzlings out” that insisted that I lay myself down for rests or naps. I’d feel so wiped out that I couldn’t imagine ever again feeling like doing anything but dozing. Then after a surprisingly short rest or nap, I’d be drawn into writing, doing the layout for the new card, puttering in the garden, doing some chores, reading, taking a long walk or heading off to do errands. Then I’d be tootling along with one thing or another till 3 or 4 in the morning. All with a smooth and gentle steady flow of energy.
And, actually, here I am doing this piece at just such an hour and feeling ready now to take a stroll around the orchards before going to bed!
Originally published November 2003
